Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day
strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are
entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda
management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the
number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death
will be cut by 25% this January from 72 to only 54. The rationale
for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of
suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike
action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We
don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by
management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr.. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed
out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the
workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone
was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir.
"And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda
afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people
who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We
sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in
a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks
to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in
the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure
and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to
have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow
themselves up."
However, he defended management bonuses by claiming these were
necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to
attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?"
asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
A big hat tip to JD
